Edgewalking (Pisces full moon, August 29th, 2015)
The overall theme is Edgwalking, the state of being an Edgewalker, something that I and most of my best beloveds are by nature.
Kiva Rose says, in her blog post (linked above):
“I admit that it’s sometimes tempting to shut up and play it a bit safer. To keep my opinions neutral. To make every response politic to the expected audience.
But really, fuck that.”
There are times in my life when I really felt not just on the edge, but over it. Dealing with a child’s addiction will do that to a mother, will have you walking over the edge so you can shove that kid back onto the side of life, light, and healing…and also having been that child, falling onto the dark side now and then, not through addiction per se but through depression and self-loathing.
Edge walking through teendom itself, moving from shadow to shadow, reveling in the lack of light, that was my path. Dropping acid and sleeping under bridges, living with 2 men in a 1964 Ford Galaxy for several months, chain smoking Marlborough reds in flop house kitchens, that was my path.
It’s a wonder than I’m alive when I look back on the shoot outs and woman beaters and crazy car flights that I rode to adulthood on.
Shadows shift though, it is their proclivity.
Cancer, shamanic near death experiences, the complicated, crazy needs of my own now mostly adult children. Still walking that edge. Still shifting over it sometimes, to feel the sticky ground of Ereshkigel’s turf.
None of this makes for a woman who is good at keeping herself tightly bound. Why would we want to be politic? Why would we submit to the temptation to stifle ourselves to make other people comfortable? I’m much better at being that grain of sand inside the oyster…irritating until, voila!
So, yeah. I’m rambling today and that’s okay. My Mom died a week ago. I was with her, touching her, holding her as she passed. Since then, I’ve been told that my work in the world is worthless. I’ve found some disturbing news about someone I love deeply. I sent a bitchy email to the wrong email address and upset people who *I don’t even know*.
It’s been a rough week, all told and yet? I am comfortable here, looking down into the abyss. There it is and just over there is the sunshine, the promise of fall outside the window, the love of so many friends and family members that I have been unable to keep count.
Life is beautiful. Life is too beautiful to hold one’s feelings in for fear of causing discomfort. I’m busy making pearls.